The Days Before and Worries

I really should not have been surprised, considering for the past few years, I’ve journaled in one journal, and that journal is still not full. But recently I looked back into my (one) journal, looking for how I was feeling during the weeks leading up to Ajax’s birth. Apparently I forgot to write those thoughts down. What I remember is one day I was at an Air Force Academy football game, then eating a birthday dinner, and then I was getting induced and Ajax was here. It’s all slightly rose-colored hazy. Not the birthing part, I do remember that, but what I was feeling leading up to the birth.

So without being able to re-read those moments, these days I’m feel slightly like I’m in new territory feeling things I didn’t when I was pregnant with Ajax. It’s possible that I did have similar worries and thoughts, and just don’t remember. Preggos aren’t known for their memory…

I don’t remember pregnancy being this hard. Like, let’s get this child out (at 35 weeks) hard. I don’t remember being this tired. I don’t remember my brain being this fragmented, or at least feeling that way. I don’t remember wanted every dinner to be something I didn’t cook, because…sooo tired.  I don’t remember being anxious about knowing I’m about to have a newborn.

That last one I know is a new feeling. I don’t remember it with Ajax because he was my first newborn. I had no idea about newborns. Now I know…

The thing about feelings is I don’t think they’re entirely trustworthy when reminiscing. Moments are either remembered harder, worse than they actually were or the thoughts that come to mind are rosier and happier than what was reality. My brain tells me something in the middle is much more realistic. But pit my brain against my emotions – my pregnant, hormonal emotions – and my brain doesn’t stand a chance. Ever.

So, in my brain, I just start thinking it’s going to be really, really hard.

I mean if I’m randomly picking a side, I’m not going to pick the rosier, happier side. Heaven help me if I was wrong. I would rather expect the hard, no sleep, cranky, totally unsure of myself side and be pleasantly surprised with the angel baby I birth. Child, please be a good sleeper like your brother.

I don’t remember what I was feeling or thinking – worried or excited – leading up to Ajax’s birth. But I know that eventually, a schedule emerged, my body (again, eventually) went back to normal, and my son grew. I was walking out of Ajax’s daycare the other day, carrying Ajax because he asked me to and I just can’t say no, even though it is the most uncomfortable thing to have a toddler sitting on your belly. As I was walking out holding Ajax, he started playing with my hair, looked around and said “mama, it’s windy out!” And it was; really windy. That little newborn grew up into a toddler that talks with words I had no idea he knew…

This pregnancy, knowing there’s about to be another newborn in my life feels overwhelming at times. Because I don’t know how hard it will be. Or how much sleep I won’t get, or if everything I did with Ajax will not work with this one, leaving me with only Google and millions of texts to my mom in order to survive. But just because I don’t remember feeling this way with Ajax, doesn’t mean I didn’t. Or that the these feelings are totally natural when adding another child to your family.

Right mamas? You know these feelings too, right?