New

I love new everything, and I can not be alone in this. Who doesn’t like new?  I have even purposely not worn a recently purchased shirt because I like that it’s new…well, it’s new until I wear it.  I like new houses and newly moving into them. And also buying new furniture for that new house…

I don’t go all crazy and run around in sequins and sparkles  (although if I was to plan a NYE outfit, it would involve both sequins and sparkles) but I love a new year. It’s a whole new year! New Year’s Day, it’s the beginning of a whole, new year.

On a whim, this past New Year’s Day, I took a pregnancy test. I was a day late, but according to my calendar, getting pregnant wasn’t in the mix. On purpose. The Husband had recently come home from a six-month deployment, Ajax had just turned the big O-N-E, and we were finding our groove as a family of three. That New Year’s Day, the very beginning on a whole new year, two pink lines appeared rapidly. To say I was shocked was a complete understatement.

To be fair, even if we had been trying to get pregnant, I would of still been shocked. I’ve seen two pink lines four different times now, and every time I have been legitimately shocked. This was my fourth time seeing pink lines, and we weren’t even trying to make it happen! Be still my heart. Talk about NEW. New life, new seemingly easy “hey you’re pregnant and you haven’t even busted out the basal thermometer to start tracking ovulation.” Ajax just became a big brother, and his new favorite word was ” baby”. In all fairness, I think he was referencing himself, since he just now learned his name, but still.

Within a few weeks, all that new quickly moved into familiar territory. Definitely not a new experience.  We had walked this road before, and were walking it now. Pain, more blood draws than I can count, tears, ultrasounds, and the sympathetic voices saying how sorry they were for our loss. In my mind, the excitement of the new year quickly moved into thinking it was a crappy, shitty, stupid new year.  And it was hard to not just wish the next one was here. As if that, another new, could really fix the feeling deep in my heart.

I know wishing for a whole new year really isn’t the answer.  I can hear you, Nicole, calmly telling me that it’s not the correct way to handle life. But my tendency is to look for new. I love new! A new house to live in, a new state to explore, a new outfit, a new planner. New is like starting over and that feels hopeful to me.  I know that I can’t start over the past few months, and I’m not trying to just erase the loss. I guess it’s how I move forward: to look for the new.  In the words of one of my favorite characters…

Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it. -Anne of Green Gables

Tomorrow, tomorrow is always new. It’s a new day to live, even amidst the twinges of heartache at the reminders of loss. It’s a new day, filled with hope and possibility, and no mistakes in it… yet.